He returns!

I'm back from Rites of Spring and will resume my regular [read: sporadic] posting schedule as soon as I have showered and slept.

I only wrote out one post while I was there, but I will have much to say I am sure. The whole thing did wonderful thing for me and my mood. [Editor: for once there is no sarcasm in that statement.]

In the meantime let me leave you with some words from the band Spirit of the West:

You'll have to forgive me, I'm not at my best.
I've been gone for a week, I've been drunk since I left.
This so called vacation will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the drink I need home for a rest.

Until then...

I should really be asleep

It is not like I have to get up and go to work in the morning. Instead I am getting up even earlier and driving for 3 hours.

I am off work for the week and am going to Rites Of Spring and will not be back until next Monday, May 30. So don't expect much out of me until then.

Actually, don't expect anything out of me at all until then. We will be at a campsite and I will not have access to a computer. I could have access to a phone, but I am going to try to avoid it. There is one payphone on the 90-acre site and only a couple of small spots that have any cell phone service.

It will be good to get away even though I am not ready.

I am mostly packed, everything that can be packed before the morning, but that is not what I mean. I feel like Rites is still about a month away. I'm hoping this changes by the morning or it could be a rude awakening when I get there. This can happen when you go to a spiritual pagan gathering if you aren't ready for it.

I'll let you know how it went when I get back.

Oh, and for those who might notice, my sister flew up from Tucson, AZ and is going as well.

Quick post

So far the sleeping pill doesn't seem to be doing much to help me get to sleep. It has been helping me sleep better, and deeper, but that is not necessarily a good thing on its own.

If I don't get to sleep any earlier but still sleep deeper I can, and have, end up sleeping through my alarm clocks. Yes, plural. I currently have multiple set for staggered times. I figure this way there is less of a chance of me sleeping through all of them and being very late for work.

I am trying to find the best time to take the pill. It's all trial and error at this point.

Next time I'll try to start writing earlier so I have time for a real post.

Between the sleeping pill and bed

I had an appointment with my doctor, a followup on some diabetic blood sugar issues I was having. We talked about everything that's been going on: diabetes, depression, insomnia... Each of these seems to affect the others causing a never ending spiral.

Well, it's time to break the cycle. We talked about which of the issues we were going to start with and decided to try starting with the sleep problems.

So now I have another pill to take daily. Trazodone. It has a sedative effect and should help me get to sleep at a reasonable time. Apparently it is also a mild anti-depressant when taken in larger doses, although it is rarely used that way these days. It is mainly used as a sleep aid because it doesn't have the same dependence problems that often develop with sleeping pills.

We'll see how it goes. And I'll let you know of course.

I'd write more, but I already took the pill for tonight and really have to get offline and into bed. But before I do that, my sister is on IM and I want to talk with her for a bit. I told her I'd be back in a bit when we talked briefly while I was in the middle of this post.

Peace and pleasant dreams.

Does he think that looks good?

Why do people do things like that to their vehicles? And why do it in such a way that half the vehicle's usefulness is destroyed?

Case in point...

I was driving home and found myself behind a Hummer H2 that had been customized. "Blinged" as the kids say.

It had been painted metallic black and every accessory and accent piece on it was painted gold. The door handles, the hitch, the tow shackles, parts of the bumpers, the mirrors and the rims. Spinner rims at that.

And it wasn't just gold, it was some kind of matte gold. So the black shone while the gold accents just kind of sat there.

But it didn't stop there. They also put on low-profile street tires and had lowered the whole thing.

A lowered Hummer with street tires?

It was lowered to such an extent that it might have scraped going over speed bumps.

Did I mention that the whole thing looked like it had never had a speck of dust on it, let alone any really dirt or mud?

I couldn't help but wonder "Why do this to a Hummer H2?" They look like a brick on wheels to start. Now it looked like a lowered brick with a tacky paint job. They had taken the Hummer style away and turned it into a vehicle which didn't look like it could stand up to a gravel driveway. Forget taking it off-road.

I guess they just like the 8 miles per gallon gas mileage it gets.

Cinco De Mayo

I hate loud bars. Or at least I hate one particular type of loud bar. I was reminded of this as I stopped to eat after work tonight.

What I have a problem with are bars where the din is deafening and all the noise is from people talking, or should I say yelling, back and forth. This is what I had to deal with tonight.

Everyone in the bar was yelling to be heard by the others at their tables. this meant that people at nearby tables felt they had to talk that much louder. And thus another vicious circle was born.

Even after half the bar had cleared out the volume barely dropped. It dropped just enough to be able to hear that the bar also had the volume up on the TVs for the commentary on the NBA playoffs. AND they were blaring good Cinco De Mayo music over the PA. [Editor: Music like "Word Up" and "Rock Me Amadeus"]

The guy threatening to strip in order to get a string of beads from a waitress was a bit much and a lovely topper to the evening.

...

And let me say in closing that Comcast sucks! However, if they screw up enough, and you get mad enough, and you complain to the right people loudly enough, you can get decent service out of them. I'll put the details in a later post if there is any interest.

I'm tired and I ache

I got a good night's sleep Friday night and then spent Saturday evening at Borders picking up a couple of books. I had gone looking for a couple of O'Reilly books. I only bought one of them though. The other one only seemed to have about 20 (out of 350+) pages which covered anything I was interested in. It was OK though, the coupon I had was only good for 30% off one of them anyway.

From there I went and met up with some people from work. One of them is in a band called Stout and the rest of us were going to listen to them play and generally support them.

It was a good show at a small venue. And it felt good to get out of the house. Especially since my depression was kicking in a bit in the days leading up to this. I was glad I got out of the house to go to Borders, making it to the show was just that much better.

The problems started later that night. After I got home I had a hard time sleeping. I was tossing and turning, and got less than 6 hours sleep.

Feeling very tired on Sunday, I still managed to make it through the day and felt wide awake by the evening. Of course I still felt wide awake that night, right through until I left for work Monday morning.

It is not easy to make it through a full day of work without having slept the night before. I think I managed, but I am not entirely sure. I know I came close to nodding off a few times.

Anyway, I made it to the end of the day and headed home. Windows down, cool wind whipping through the truck to keep me awake.

Once home I figured it would not be a good idea to cook something because of the very real possibility of burning the place if I fell asleep while it was still on the stove. So I ordered Chinese. And promptly nodded off in the living room while waiting for it to arrive and the again when I was through eating.

I woke up hours later, staggered to my room, and collapsed into the bed.

Waking up this morning I found I had slept through my alarms (I had set 4 at different times just to make sure) but somehow managed to make it to work without being TOO late.

Hopefully this will help straighten out my internal clock rather than screw it up further.

And even though I managed to shake off the last of the sleep which kept hanging on for the first few hours of work, I have not yet managed to shake the aches my body picked up from being that tired.

Any suggestions? (Other than the obvious "Get some sleep.")

Why would she say that?

I don't know how long this will be since I got home later than I expected and I have to get up early in the morning (I hate having to do that on the weekend) for an eye exam. Probably get a new pair of glasses while I am at it. Especially since my coverage will pay for the lenses and most of the cost of the frames as well.

Anyway...

I was in Borders Books tonight and was checking out some CDs while I was there. While I was checking out the Spoken Word section one of the clerks walked by, looked at me and said "If you are looking for the new CD from the Blue Collar Tour guy, it is at the front of the store." Then she walked off.

I was thrown by it for a second wondering why she would assume I was looking for that CD. I don't even know who she was talking about. Granted I watched both of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour movies and know who all four of the guys are, but she didn't say which one it was and I haven't paid attention to CD releases from any of them.

So why did she say it?

OK, I was a big guy wearing jeans and work boots.

OK, I was wearing an old work shirt, open and untucked, over a plain t-shirt.

OK, I was wearing a woodland camo bandana as a do-rag to keep my hair out of the way. (You can look at this picture to see how much hair it had to deal with.)

But even with all that she had no way to know that I was a country boy who spent a lot of time in my younger years working on my grandparent's (and uncle's) farms. Helping with the harvest in the vegetable fields and the orchard. Not to mention the time I spent bailing hay.

The thing is I was holding two CDs when she said it. One was classical music and the other was Monty Python.

Although I do have to admit, even though I work as a web developer, which I guess is a white collar job, I am more of a blue collar person after all.

Night, y'all.

No more putting it off

So I have problems. And they are worse than I want to admit. I am still coming to terms with some of it and have not talked about much or it. What I have talked about I have only discussed with a handful of people. My doctor, my chosen family, a couple of close friends and, as of two days ago, my mother.

I knew I had some physical problems. These include: diabetes, gout, bad knees, carpal tunnel, ... And recently I found out that my brain is out of whack as well.

To be precise, I was diagnosed as suffering from depression. I don't mean that I was feeling a little down. I mean I am suffering from depression. I have a chemical imbalance that is causing depression which has gotten bad enough that it is truly making me suffer.

While talking to my doctor about this there was a list we went over. "If you answer yes to three out of the following ten items..."

Nine.

I answered yes to nine out of ten.

One of the effects of all this is that I have lost my motivation. For pretty much everything. Even more so for things that I don't like doing. [Editor: Like writing this post or admitting how bad the depression has gotten.]

...

Of course these issues don't stop with depression. They also continue along to compulsive behaviour. Not major behaviours, but several of them. Mainly they take the form of "nervous habits". Ticks and twitches. Bouncing my leg while seated. Arm and hand movements.

Maybe not enough to notice unless you are looking for it. Or if you are there all the time, like I am. And the more I try to control it, the worse it gets. [Editor: Which reminds me, there will be a later post on Control.]

To top it off (for now) I have a "mood disorder". Which is just a polite way of saying that my emotions are screwed up, too.

Most of the time I am fine. Well, as fine as I can be with everything else I have already covered. But there are times when my emotions get... heightened. And when this happens I either end up sobbing or in a rage. Which way it goes depends on what is happening at the time. If something makes me angry, like drivers in and around Boston, the rage takes hold. Otherwise I'll be sobbing. Probably because even if their is nothing else right then, there is always the depression lurking around.

...

I just reread this entry and I have to say that, relatively speaking, I didn't really say much. And I kept what I did say relatively unemotional and restrained. But that was so that I could get through it.

I should say that I have been trying to keep from having this journal get too dark and depressed, but screw that. I am depressed and this is my journal. It is going to reflect me. That is just how it is. I will try to throw in some more fun stories from my past when I can, but you will get what you get. I am writing this as something I can enjoy doing and it is turning out to be a form of therapy for me.

Hope you understand.

Feel free to leave comments, I read all of them. Or send me email at journal(at)wyldwoods.net. which I have sent up specifically for this purpose.

Drinking with the Vikings

As you might be able to tell I have been putting off writing "the entry" again. I am still coming to grips with it myself and have only talked to about five or six people about it. I have only recently talked to my mother about it. However, it is still coming. Eventually.

In the meantime, I still owe you a post about the first weekend of this month. So that's what I have come to write tonight.

I have a group of Asatru friends. They make up Hammer Kindred, based out of Connecticut. A couple of times a year they have a Viking Party. These parties involve some role-playing as they are set around 750 C.E. and everyone is required to wear appropriate garb and take on a period persona. Mine is Bjarni.

The first of these parties this year, and the first one I have been to due to limited space and therefore invitations, was held April 2nd. There were a few anachronisms, like the digital camera, but as few as possible. All phones are turned off, and the only lighting is from candles or lanterns. Get the idea?

Anyway, there was a great deal of mead which I hit quite hard. My drinking was early and often, just like voting.

And just like voting, all the results were not pleasant. Let me transcribe one of the conversations I had later in the night. I think I had this conversation with Ragnar but it night have been Starkad. Actually it could have been any of the Vikings...

Viking: Bjarni, you alright over there?

Me: Not good.

Viking: What do you need?

Me: **YARCH**

Viking: A bucket, got it.

At least it happened outside. My thanks go out to Ulf and Ragnar for everything. Including the bucket and hose.

I also need to thank Starkad and Magnus for their help, which mainly consisted of helping me get around. Since I am 6 foot 5 and over 300 pounds, it occasionally took both of them to support me once my legs turned to rubber.

You can read a couple other comments about the party here and here. Or you can check out some pictures.

One quick word of warning...

If you are ever drinking with Vikings, and have already been drinking pretty heavy, you probably want to sit out when they start the drinking games.