I Miss Christmas

I remember Christmases as a child. Even after I had figured out Santa's secret there was still a magic to it.

After moving out on my own I still spent Christmas with my family, and that made it special.

It has been a couple of years since I made home and I was planning on being up there sometime during these holidays but I have been unable to go. My work visa is under review for a renewal at the moment and if I went home I would be unable to come back.

This has had me feeling depressed lately. But, as I realized this weekend, that is only part of it. Another piece fell into place over the last 24 hours.

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Those of you who have known me for a while, even if it is only from reading this blog, will remember a few years ago there was a woman in my life that I referred to as TWIL, and she had a daughter I referred to as The Sprout.

At the time TWIL and I had discussed it and we knew that we would one day be married, we just did not officially become engaged. You will also remember I took it pretty hard when the relationship ended.

During the time we were together The Sprout was young, pre-teen, and spending Christmas with them was wonderful. I was able to help bring the magic to others and in the process rediscover it myself.

What I didn't realize was how much I missed this when I lost it as well...

I miss the magic, the wonder... I miss the Christmas that was.

It has been building in the back of my mind for the last couple of years and has only now bubbled to the surface. I hope that the revelation helps me unload some of the baggage I have been packing.

And I hope getting this out now helps me finally get to sleep tonight. {He writes at 2AM}

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I need to call a couple of friends soon. Check in on how they are doing.

And see how my god-daughter is doing.

Maybe even get out to see some of them, at least the ones close enough to get to over a weekend trip.

For now, I need to sleep. I have work to go to in the morning.

Year End Special

It took me a long time to get into anything approaching a "Christmas Spirit."

The last two years were the best Christmases I have had since I was a child. I got to spend them with, and as part of, a wonderful family. I got to help Santa with his Christmas surprises.

This year, I spent a lot of time feeling like I was missing out. Of course this kept me from joining in, and therefore ensured that I missed out.

I got into the spirit late in the season. I didn't get any Christmas cards sent and even though I had a few Christmas presents, they didn't get delivered either. I have no idea when they will get to the appropriate people.

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My sister sent me a book for Christmas. I have not read it yet, but very much appreciate it and look forward to reading it.

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I have also been spending more time talking to, and hanging out with, friends. Both old and new. Some I have known over 12 years, some for less then 12 weeks.

We have played pool, video games, card games, and just hung out and talked. Oh, and listened to very good music. You should check out S.J. Tucker and see if she is singing in your area.

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My resolutions from last year:

• I am still 25 pounds off my goal weight.


• I read 4 more books than my goal.


• You know how my writing resolution has gone.


• My new apartment is a lot more organized than my old place was, but still needs some work.

My resolutions for the upcoming year will be in a following post.