Sick and on the Couch

I hadn't realised it had been so long since I posted. I kept meaning to check in here and would even be planning what I was going to write, but I never actually typed it in and hit Post.

So... Here, in a nut shell, are a few things from the last few months:

...

I did get in touch with some of the people I was talking about at the end of my last post.

I spoke to the mother of my god-daughter and found out how both of them are doing.

I got to visit with one of my brothers and enjoyed the weekend I spent there.

I went and played pool with one of my best friends, who also happens to be the first friend I made when I moved over 1000km away from home, to a new town in what was, for me, a foreign country. The move was for a job with a 6-12 month contract. That was over 15 years ago.

I have talked to others as well but there are still more that I have not spoken to and am looking forward to the time that I can.

...

I resolved to lose weight. I have a goal in mind, and as of a couple of weeks ago I was 40 pounds above that goal. That is a lot of weight, it doesn't look as much on a 6'5" frame but it is still noticeable and I want to be rid of it.

In order to help me lose the weight I am getting out and walking. My normal walk, which I told myself I would do at least 3 times a week, is 2.2 miles according to my GPS tracker. More on this below.

...

I was deathly ill over Christmas. For several days I could barely keep water down and survived on Pedialyte because it was the only thing that wouldn't overtax my system. Can I tell you that it quickly gets pretty disgusting when it is the only thing you are consuming for several days. It took weeks before I started to feel even mostly myself. Then I came down with a sinus infection which lingered for a while and kept me down longer.

It was somewhere in there that I fell into a depression which I am still clawing my way out of.

All of this means that I have not been myself and I have not gotten out to do my walking.

So, I am still about 40 pounds from my goal weight and I have been only been doing my walk once, maybe twice, a week. There have been entire weekends where I didn't leave my apartment or only got out long enough to pick up some groceries. This is changing.

...

There have been several nights that I ended up sleeping on my couch.

I would go to bed but couldn't fall asleep. I would get up and do ... whatever trying to relax enough to fall asleep, but would find that I just couldn't get to sleep. At least not until I laid on the couch to read. Eventually, I got to the point where if I couldn't get to sleep I would just move out to the couch and sleep there.

It mostly worked.

...

So this is the first of my catch-up posts. It covers a lot of things but not even close to all of it.

Like my walk tonight... But that is a story for another post.

For now... Goodnight.

I Miss Christmas

I remember Christmases as a child. Even after I had figured out Santa's secret there was still a magic to it.

After moving out on my own I still spent Christmas with my family, and that made it special.

It has been a couple of years since I made home and I was planning on being up there sometime during these holidays but I have been unable to go. My work visa is under review for a renewal at the moment and if I went home I would be unable to come back.

This has had me feeling depressed lately. But, as I realized this weekend, that is only part of it. Another piece fell into place over the last 24 hours.

...

Those of you who have known me for a while, even if it is only from reading this blog, will remember a few years ago there was a woman in my life that I referred to as TWIL, and she had a daughter I referred to as The Sprout.

At the time TWIL and I had discussed it and we knew that we would one day be married, we just did not officially become engaged. You will also remember I took it pretty hard when the relationship ended.

During the time we were together The Sprout was young, pre-teen, and spending Christmas with them was wonderful. I was able to help bring the magic to others and in the process rediscover it myself.

What I didn't realize was how much I missed this when I lost it as well...

I miss the magic, the wonder... I miss the Christmas that was.

It has been building in the back of my mind for the last couple of years and has only now bubbled to the surface. I hope that the revelation helps me unload some of the baggage I have been packing.

And I hope getting this out now helps me finally get to sleep tonight. {He writes at 2AM}

...

I need to call a couple of friends soon. Check in on how they are doing.

And see how my god-daughter is doing.

Maybe even get out to see some of them, at least the ones close enough to get to over a weekend trip.

For now, I need to sleep. I have work to go to in the morning.

Return Trip

Well, thank you. I missed you.

Actually, I missed my bed which happens to be in MA.

Where I Am Right Now

Free tickets to a Red Sox game?  Sure I'll take them.

The Sun Will Come Out One Of These Days

The weather is really starting to get to me. It feels like it has been raining for the past three weeks. We have had a few days without but they have all been during the week.

This time we finally got a break and had sun on the weekend. {OK, not really sun, but at least it was dry.} And I got to get out and do something.

OK, I didn't do much on Saturday, I really needed the down time to just veg and do a few things around the apartment.

Sunday, I hopped on the "T", Boston's subway and mass transit system, and headed in town to wander for a while. I spent some time wandering around Harvard Square and some other parts of Cambridge.

The plus side is that I got to spend time outside in the fresh{ish} air. I'm looking forward to things drying out some so I can spend some time in the woods on some hiking paths.

The down side is that I am limping today after injuring my foot.

The injury is such that I can barely put any weight onto the front of it, but I can still put weight on my heel. At least I can put enough pressure on the front so that I can still drive.

Otherwise, I'd start to go stir-crazy. {As opposed to my regular crazy.}

Contradictions Galore

I really don't want be here. Not that there is a problem with this specific location, I just don't want to be anywhere right now.

I don't want to deal with people.

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to sit at home.

I don't want to go anywhere.

I don't want to be touched.

But I could use a hug.

I am nothing but contradictions right now.

This has me thinking of several of my friends, especially my Damsel in Shining Armour.

I suppose I should explain who I am talking about since I haven't mentioned her here before.

My Damsel (in Shining Armour) is a very good friend of mine who I've known for about 8 years now. She was 14 when I met her and her mother, who is also a good friend, and I have been watching her grow into an amazing woman. {Not in a creepy way. The perverts in my audience need to stop thinking that.}

Something you need to know, if you don't already, is that I am a large man. I am 6'5", about 300 pounds, and apparently people can find me intimidating. She is maybe 5'1", almost painfully cute, and has the poise, grace, and appearance of a storybook princess. I am protective of all my friends but there is something about this girl that brings this out even more.

There was a night last May when I was having another really bad night and happened to bump into My Damsel. In fact that encounter is the reason I will think of her as My Damsel in Shining Armour.

As I said, I was having a really bad time, due to various interpersonal issues, when she came over. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that issues around a particular person were really getting to me. At this she just stopped, looked me in the eye, and with a fierceness and protectiveness I have rarely seen in anyone said "Who do I have to kill?"

The princess was protecting the knight.

...

I wrote the above earlier tonight and saved it since I wasn't sure what was going to come next, and I really was thinking of going to see a movie and needed to check the listings.

I did not make it to the movies, but I did visit Borders for a while.

I feel a bit better than I did when I started this post, as well as a lot more tired.

I'm off to bed and hope I feel even better tomorrow after a good night's sleep.

G'Night all.

Maine can be fun in the winter?

Well, I said in my last post that I was looking for things to do, and was taking suggestions from anyone who wanted to offer one. I am still taking suggestions.

This past weekend I went to visit a friend of mine in Southern Maine. She lives a little more than a two hour drive away from me, so within the range I laid out for what I am currently comfortable doing, and had invited me to come up to visit. She also doesn't get many visitors, so it is usually just her and her two young {single digit ages} children.

It was fun. We hung out, talked, watched a movie, etc. Her son wanted to learn how to play chess so we did that as well. He did quite well for someone who had just learned how to play, and who was still figuring out how some of the pieces move. {Like how a pawn moves one space forward at a time but captures diagonally.}

On Sunday we went sledding, the first time I have gone sledding in a loooooong. I had forgotten just how much fun it can be. I had also forgotten how much you can get bounced around. The muscles in my neck are still a little sore but it was well worth it. {Unfortunately, I did not have my camera with me, and my phone was charging, so there are no pictures. I'll be better prepared next time.}

This coming weekend I will be heading to a friend's house on Cape Cod for "Movie Night." It sounds like it will be a small one, only a half dozen or so people, but still looking forward to it.

February is still open...

Follow-up and Request for Suggestions

Following up on my last post:

It's been a little over a week since the medication cut was made and the pain is pretty much gone. The aches are still there but no longer constant and continue to ease.

Bloodsugar is still much higher than it should be, but it has not gone up since the drastic cut in the level of my meds.

Sleep is still an issue. Well, not sleep so much as getting out of bed in the morning after I finally do get to sleep. {Usually around 2:00AM, later on the weekends.}

...

Now I just need to start doing things again. Of course being able to sleep so I can get up in the morning would help with that.

I have plans for this weekend and we'll see how they go. Then I guess I need to figure out other things to do for the next few weeks, months, ...

On that note:

I'm near Boston, although probably closer to Providence RI than Boston, and am open to suggestions for seasonally appropriate things to do.

In fact... let me codify that a bit.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and they were talking about taking a series of day trips just to get out and see/do things. I think this sounds like a really good, and fun, thing. We may do some together, but I'm sure there will be plenty of individual things as well.

I'm not sure that I'm up for long drives again yet, but within a couple of hours of here is do-able.

So what I am looking for, if anyone is interested, is suggestions for things to do, things to see, places to go, that are within a 2 hour drive of the Boston-Providence area. Day trips preferred.

Any reasonable suggestions will be taken, and I will post at least one picture.

Reasonable suggestions that are not seasonal/weather appropriate will be held until an appropriate time. Things further away will also wait until I am up to making those longer trips again.

There are a couple of trips I'd like to take, to see people I haven't seen in too long, which are about 6 hours away, and at least one other that is more like 14 hours away. Those trips will have to wait a bit longer.

So... Any suggestions?

Becoming Myself

"To see what is in front of one's nose needs a constant struggle."

George Orwell

As has been mentioned on here in the past, I am a diabetic.

A few months ago my medication was changed due to the old medication losing its effectiveness. This is known to happen in as few as 5-8 years for some people. I got just about 12 years. A pretty good run by all accounts.

As with any new medication, you start with a lower dose and then adjust it upwards until you find the right level. We, me and my doctor, started adjusting the dose up, having to adjust it very slowly due to possible adverse effects if done too fast. {Think diabetic collapse, necessitating an ambulance ride if I could even make it to the phone.}

To cut a long story short, the meds didn't work as expected.

It was helping, and was improving things to a certain point, but after that point the improvement in bloodsugar stopped. So we kept increasing the dose since we were well below to allowed maximum, and did not see any further improvement.

What I did see, but it took me a while to figure this out, was that it was causing other issues. Headaches, insomnia, nausea, lethargy, just to name a few. {I have some insomnia to begin with, this took me from 6-7 hours a night down to 4-5.} Generally speaking I became a rather large lump who was in constant discomfort, if not all out pain.

I also wasn't always thinking straight. On the worst days it was all I could do to make it through work.

So it took a while, but eventually I caught on to what was happening.

So we cut the dosage back, to about a third of what it had reached, and my bloodsugar is still at the same high-ish level, but the aches and pains have eased and I am starting to get my energy back. The insomnia still sucks, but I have hopes for that as well.

So my doctor is still looking for alternatives and I am trying to get back to feeling like myself. Which is happening. Slowly, but it is happening.

Happy New Year.

I don't know if anyone is still reading this, but it doesn't really matter. I have always felt that I was writing it for me, and not necessarily for anyone else. {Self-doubt still there but, like most everything else, improving.}

Table For One?

Well, a few days ago I suddenly found myself single again.

There's not much to say about it. Things had gotten tense when we both got sick at the same time {Actually, one injury and one new chronic condition} and didn't really ease as things got better. I was trying to find the cause of the tension in order to figure out if there was anything to do, but I guess she wasn't.

I don't begrudge her this. I know how much she had/has going on and how many issues there are with her, her job, and her family.

Still...

Even if I am not upset about what she did, I do have a problem with how she did it.

If she had just said "I can't do this and we need to breakup" it would have been fine. But that is not what she did.

I guess she felt that she needed to give an enumerated list of reasons, a couple of which seemed quite mean-spirited. And following it up by moving it into a rant, no... more of a discussion, of a latest issues and how bad that day had been, well, that was completely unnecessary.

Oh, did I mention that it was over the phone?

How about that she called me from her car?

While she was driving on her way to meet some friends?

So yes, I'm OK with the breakup, but not with the way it was handled.