I remember Christmases as a child. Even after I had figured out Santa's secret there was still a magic to it.
After moving out on my own I still spent Christmas with my family, and that made it special.
It has been a couple of years since I made home and I was planning on being up there sometime during these holidays but I have been unable to go. My work visa is under review for a renewal at the moment and if I went home I would be unable to come back.
This has had me feeling depressed lately. But, as I realized this weekend, that is only part of it. Another piece fell into place over the last 24 hours.
...
Those of you who have known me for a while, even if it is only from reading this blog, will remember a few years ago there was a woman in my life that I referred to as TWIL, and she had a daughter I referred to as The Sprout.
At the time TWIL and I had discussed it and we knew that we would one day be married, we just did not officially become engaged. You will also remember I took it pretty hard when the relationship ended.
During the time we were together The Sprout was young, pre-teen, and spending Christmas with them was wonderful. I was able to help bring the magic to others and in the process rediscover it myself.
What I didn't realize was how much I missed this when I lost it as well...
I miss the magic, the wonder... I miss the Christmas that was.
It has been building in the back of my mind for the last couple of years and has only now bubbled to the surface. I hope that the revelation helps me unload some of the baggage I have been packing.
And I hope getting this out now helps me finally get to sleep tonight. {He writes at 2AM}
...
I need to call a couple of friends soon. Check in on how they are doing.
And see how my god-daughter is doing.
Maybe even get out to see some of them, at least the ones close enough to get to over a weekend trip.
For now, I need to sleep. I have work to go to in the morning.
I can sort of relate. I've not given a toss about xmas for years, only rediscovering it when I got back home and got to spend it with my little cousin (9 this year). Although it was fun in France a couple of years back as I was working for a family holiday company.
ReplyDeleteThe one xmas I was looking forward to was that with the now-ex - and I missed that one with her as I was in the UK and she was in Thailand.
This year I'm seeing someone new. She's got two kids - one nine (and who has already decided Santa doesn't exist) and the other two (who hasn't cottoned on to who Santa *is* yet).
Christmas is for kids. No doubt about it. Oh, and big kids, like my girlfriend. She's worse than most nippers I know. Fingers crossed *this* relationship works out... even if it is costing me somewhat more in presents this year as a result!
I hear ya on seeing Christmas through the eyes of children. It's like you're seeing it for the first time again. I'm sorry you feel so alone this year. :(
ReplyDeleteThat has got to be the hardest part of working in the US - not being able to go home whenever your heart needs to. {{{HUGS}}}
All the best from up here, WW. Sad thoughts, poignantly expressed as always. Hope those phone calls brought you some happiness.
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