Why would she say that?

I don't know how long this will be since I got home later than I expected and I have to get up early in the morning (I hate having to do that on the weekend) for an eye exam. Probably get a new pair of glasses while I am at it. Especially since my coverage will pay for the lenses and most of the cost of the frames as well.

Anyway...

I was in Borders Books tonight and was checking out some CDs while I was there. While I was checking out the Spoken Word section one of the clerks walked by, looked at me and said "If you are looking for the new CD from the Blue Collar Tour guy, it is at the front of the store." Then she walked off.

I was thrown by it for a second wondering why she would assume I was looking for that CD. I don't even know who she was talking about. Granted I watched both of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour movies and know who all four of the guys are, but she didn't say which one it was and I haven't paid attention to CD releases from any of them.

So why did she say it?

OK, I was a big guy wearing jeans and work boots.

OK, I was wearing an old work shirt, open and untucked, over a plain t-shirt.

OK, I was wearing a woodland camo bandana as a do-rag to keep my hair out of the way. (You can look at this picture to see how much hair it had to deal with.)

But even with all that she had no way to know that I was a country boy who spent a lot of time in my younger years working on my grandparent's (and uncle's) farms. Helping with the harvest in the vegetable fields and the orchard. Not to mention the time I spent bailing hay.

The thing is I was holding two CDs when she said it. One was classical music and the other was Monty Python.

Although I do have to admit, even though I work as a web developer, which I guess is a white collar job, I am more of a blue collar person after all.

Night, y'all.

No more putting it off

So I have problems. And they are worse than I want to admit. I am still coming to terms with some of it and have not talked about much or it. What I have talked about I have only discussed with a handful of people. My doctor, my chosen family, a couple of close friends and, as of two days ago, my mother.

I knew I had some physical problems. These include: diabetes, gout, bad knees, carpal tunnel, ... And recently I found out that my brain is out of whack as well.

To be precise, I was diagnosed as suffering from depression. I don't mean that I was feeling a little down. I mean I am suffering from depression. I have a chemical imbalance that is causing depression which has gotten bad enough that it is truly making me suffer.

While talking to my doctor about this there was a list we went over. "If you answer yes to three out of the following ten items..."

Nine.

I answered yes to nine out of ten.

One of the effects of all this is that I have lost my motivation. For pretty much everything. Even more so for things that I don't like doing. [Editor: Like writing this post or admitting how bad the depression has gotten.]

...

Of course these issues don't stop with depression. They also continue along to compulsive behaviour. Not major behaviours, but several of them. Mainly they take the form of "nervous habits". Ticks and twitches. Bouncing my leg while seated. Arm and hand movements.

Maybe not enough to notice unless you are looking for it. Or if you are there all the time, like I am. And the more I try to control it, the worse it gets. [Editor: Which reminds me, there will be a later post on Control.]

To top it off (for now) I have a "mood disorder". Which is just a polite way of saying that my emotions are screwed up, too.

Most of the time I am fine. Well, as fine as I can be with everything else I have already covered. But there are times when my emotions get... heightened. And when this happens I either end up sobbing or in a rage. Which way it goes depends on what is happening at the time. If something makes me angry, like drivers in and around Boston, the rage takes hold. Otherwise I'll be sobbing. Probably because even if their is nothing else right then, there is always the depression lurking around.

...

I just reread this entry and I have to say that, relatively speaking, I didn't really say much. And I kept what I did say relatively unemotional and restrained. But that was so that I could get through it.

I should say that I have been trying to keep from having this journal get too dark and depressed, but screw that. I am depressed and this is my journal. It is going to reflect me. That is just how it is. I will try to throw in some more fun stories from my past when I can, but you will get what you get. I am writing this as something I can enjoy doing and it is turning out to be a form of therapy for me.

Hope you understand.

Feel free to leave comments, I read all of them. Or send me email at journal(at)wyldwoods.net. which I have sent up specifically for this purpose.

Drinking with the Vikings

As you might be able to tell I have been putting off writing "the entry" again. I am still coming to grips with it myself and have only talked to about five or six people about it. I have only recently talked to my mother about it. However, it is still coming. Eventually.

In the meantime, I still owe you a post about the first weekend of this month. So that's what I have come to write tonight.

I have a group of Asatru friends. They make up Hammer Kindred, based out of Connecticut. A couple of times a year they have a Viking Party. These parties involve some role-playing as they are set around 750 C.E. and everyone is required to wear appropriate garb and take on a period persona. Mine is Bjarni.

The first of these parties this year, and the first one I have been to due to limited space and therefore invitations, was held April 2nd. There were a few anachronisms, like the digital camera, but as few as possible. All phones are turned off, and the only lighting is from candles or lanterns. Get the idea?

Anyway, there was a great deal of mead which I hit quite hard. My drinking was early and often, just like voting.

And just like voting, all the results were not pleasant. Let me transcribe one of the conversations I had later in the night. I think I had this conversation with Ragnar but it night have been Starkad. Actually it could have been any of the Vikings...

Viking: Bjarni, you alright over there?

Me: Not good.

Viking: What do you need?

Me: **YARCH**

Viking: A bucket, got it.

At least it happened outside. My thanks go out to Ulf and Ragnar for everything. Including the bucket and hose.

I also need to thank Starkad and Magnus for their help, which mainly consisted of helping me get around. Since I am 6 foot 5 and over 300 pounds, it occasionally took both of them to support me once my legs turned to rubber.

You can read a couple other comments about the party here and here. Or you can check out some pictures.

One quick word of warning...

If you are ever drinking with Vikings, and have already been drinking pretty heavy, you probably want to sit out when they start the drinking games.

Did anyone get the number of that truck?

I hate being sick. And yet, that's what I've been lately.

Last week I was sick enough that I ended up missing two days of work.* I spent those days in bed, trying to get whatever it was out of my system. This was the first time since 1998 that I have missed two consecutive days of work due to illness.

Since then I have been rundown and been fighting a bad sinus cold. It let up a bit over the weekend, which let me travel to Connecticut for a get together in Norwalk. But I'll post more about that in a later entry.

This week I have been extremely rundown again. Partly because of the weekend, but mostly because the sinus cold has kicked into gear again. And it has also settled into my chest as well.

I don't know. There's something about being able to breathe properly, or at all, that helps put some pep in your step.


* Well, not really "missing" work, but you know what I mean.